As hard as it gets…

Inspiration has finally brought me back to the world of blogging. This whole week has been challenging for me mentally, physically and spiritually. It brought me back to reality about some things that I believe should matter more in life. I won’t tell names, places or cite quotation due to the amount of people that read my blog. But I will tell you a short story about my week.

Many people take of me of a strong bloke that can take on everything. From conflicts to finances to life, however, few seem to notice that I am breakable too. I stand firm on the solid rock in which God has placed me however some waves still hit me. Some soft… some hard… there are all things that I can handle, it’s just that it cracks me a little here and there. How do I then define these problems? In God’ prospective, these are tests that will help me in my life journey. As we cling on to God who is our rock, we shall not fall. The waves of the world will strike us again and again, harder and harder, the foundations of your faith is tested, how long can you stand?

Honestly I have stood there for quite some time and many people climb on to me. But my foundations are starting to shake… how long would I last? I don’t know and do not want to know. I am seen in so many as the big brother. Be it in Boys’ Brigade, Church even at work (UTAR). I try to help others who are in need, those whom are week, those who are oppressed, and those who have broken (spiritually, mentally and physically). Sometimes I look back in my life and I see all these, but no one that stood beside me that looked after me. Family you say are your greatest support, I agree, but families too fall short sometimes. Relationships crumble in a glimpse of and eye with a word, an action or sometimes in a single e-mail. We cannot undo what we have done, we cannot uncut something that is bleeding, so I urge all to be careful of where you put your knife…

Now let’s all look again into my life, I feel as if I am a robot… I can reboot or restart or reformat my feelings and my thoughts. How? You might ask… let me explain… I do not believe I ever cried nor have I ever been angry over the top. I might be angry but not furious. I would like to think of this as a Blessing from On High. Why? Honestly, I am not sure either. Even from high school till now, I never did cry no matter what happened. Slapped by a girl in front of hundreds of people, rejected, betrayed, heart breaks… you name it I have gone through it. But still no crying, tears… maybe but not crying. I cry in my heart, broken and painful but still no crying.

I has a friend once that said, “ok what… cannot cry is a good thing leh…” is it really true? I can also be angry now and be cheerful again in a few minutes. Forgive and forget... that’s the phrase that we should hold on to right? Maybe… as Chinese guys, we are brought up to believe that crying is for sissies and babies. A men that cries is not a man. Harsh words for life isn’t it? This week I saw something that should bring tears to my eyes and heart but guess what? Not a drip… as I ran my fingers through my phone directory, no one I could talk to, no one I could seek council, no one I could hide behind… I even had to smile and laugh as I had classes on.

My life is tiring, with every minute pre determined by the things around me… somethings slowly I see that I am no longer needed… slowly and surely I will slip into the thing people called “forgotten”. Sounds like a horror movie right? But hey that’s life. You will only be important to people when you are directly linked with them in their lives. Eventually you will drift away as if you were a petal that fell onto drifting waters… when you are on the flower, you feel beautiful, once fallen, you drift away into the dark passages never to be seen again, never important…

That’s life… are we fallen flowers?
Depressed? Don’t be, God has made the world perfect, how? The fallen petal will flow into rivers and dissolve into food for fish and plants and the circle begins again. What does this mean? Well I don’t know about other people, but I believe that God has made each situation worthwhile for us in the future. How? Simple… every problem (shit) we encounter now, God can make it into a wonderful flower (success). We can kill us will only make us stronger.

Going through problems? Be a blessing not the blessed. Be a blessing to others (just like fesse becomes the fertilizer for trees) even though your life sucks, you can still choose to bless and not feel sorry for yourself. When we bless others we learn to bless ourselves. That will make us independent and no longer drawing “blessings” from others. We should always be the giver and not the given.

Blessing or blessed? Giver or given? Your choice…
I am broken today but I will not stay broken… Raising Up For Tomorrow...!

The broken...
Lieutenant Timothy Chan
Boys’ Brigade 2nd Subang Jaya Company, Malaysia

my father Chan Chew Ming‏ (My Grandfather)

This is an e-mail that I got from my Aunt (My Dad's Youngest Sister)

It writes...
Why do I write this? Perhaps as an inspiration to all of my Family, and perhaps so you will realize that as a Parent you impact the lives of your children more than you can think. Somehow I think all of us are the Living Proofs of our Parents.

So, who is my father, or your grandfather Chan Chew Ming & what has he meant to me as a Father?

Now we know I was adopted but if anyone were to ask me who my Father is, the immediate answer from my heart is Mr Chan.

I can think of no other man in this world who, despite not being my biological father, was such a good and real father to me.

I truly believe that when a man dies one day, the only thing he can pass on & with how he is remembered are the memories of his love.

How do I remember your Grandfather, your great Grandfather, your Grandfather-in-law?

My father was a well known businessman in Chinatown, Petaling Street. In his lifetime almost all the police and every Chief Police of KL and Selangor knew him.

He was not well educated but he truly was a self made man. At 1 point, my father
- owned tin mines (and even the lease to a gold mine in Pahang except one could not mine it due to communist threats),
- race horses (he shared ownership with Tunku Abdul Rahman, the 1st PM of Malaysia & Senu Abdul Rahman a prominent UMNO member who attended my father's funeral),
- the 2nd arms license in Malaysia (there being only 2),
- insurance agencies
- and shares to lands which included part of Entrepreneur Park today

Mr Chan was also a Fair, Just, & Kind man who stood up for the weak.

As to why he was so popular? I think it was because he was a nice person, generous with his money and time plus he had a great sense of humor, style and adventure.

In fact I see many of his good traits in my brother, Justin, Joe and even my husband; which seems incredible to me!

Ofcourse as all of us do, he also had many bad habits and the major ones were probably smoking & gambling; but he knew his limits, and contained his vices to ensuring, no matter what, that
- the rent is paid,
- the servants are paid, and
- there was no lack of material comfort for his family.

(no kidding, you know how high maintenance all of us are ?? :) Think about that and you know it is true!)

Despite being quite a successful businessman, and liking to play mahjongg during the week as much as possible in his men's club, and horse racing over the weekends, my best memories of my father are the times he spent with us, his family.

He would
- have dinner with us as many times a week as possible

- take us on holiday to Port Dickson at least twice a year, and 1 other place - Ipoh, Penang or Singapore

- wait up for me sitting by the window with the tv turned on low so that he knows when I cam home (as I had to be at the library - this was when I was 18 to 19 years old

- When I was sick, he would always look in on me. He also made sure I went to as many doctors as it took to cure me, since I was frequently ill as a child. Because I threw up all my medicines, the only time I could hold the medicine down was when my Father sat there with me, and told me not to throw up.

- If he came home, and he saw I was being punished ie kneeling at the altar and with cane marks on my legs, he would check with my Mother what had happened. Then depending on my 'crime', he himself would come and rescue me from kneeling.

I was caned VERY often, and I kneeled VERY often...always for more than 1 hour, and many times had to forfeit eating dinner AND NOT always for doing something that wrong. So you can imagine how his acts of kindness always reduced me to more tears.

Here I have to admit some truths about myself. I used to steal money (not big sums but enough to buy me candies, of which I never lacked in the first place!).

I think on looking back now, it was because I felt I was not loved by my Mother (it is a fact and it no longer hurts) but it was my way of dealing with my emotional problems.

- He went along to my first 'real' job interview at the now Concorde Hotel (Merlin then) with my Brother as a way of giving me courage and making sure I was not being tricked into anything 'funny'

I grew up with many material gifts but the best gifts from my Father included

- A roll of candies he bought at least twice a week - and with which I did not have to share with my brother. In this roll of candy he would delight me by putting in a 10cents coin. I have to thank my Father for all my fillings today!

- 3 knitwear from Singapore because when my father went for a trip with my brother (without me), he promised they would get me a gift and I asked for a blouse. Turns out the guys went to 1 shop and picked out 1 design but decided I needed a 'uniform' so they picked 1 design & bought all the colors it came in.

- To give us a love for books and to encourage us to read, he allowed us to buy comics every week, and he bought us Life magazine, National Geographic, Readers Digest, and enclyclopaedias - ALL of which were very very expensive in our youth

But some of the valuable lessons he gave me were
- making sure I learnt the value of a dollar by paying me for polishing his shoes when I was 7 onwards

- Because in a way he knew I was neglected somehow, he always told me I coeuld do whatever I wanted because I was a smart girl
- Not to run away from my problems. I ran away from home when I was 13 for a few days (I actually found work as a junior maid in a home in Kenny Hills!) and when I came home, he made me ask for forgiveness from my mother, made sure my mother knew I was now old enough to understand things so my mother really did make an attempt to be a Mother to me; so it turned out well!

- Be kind to the underpriviledged as he showed great kindness to the Wong family including paying the kids for small jobs, and taking 1 of them with us each time we went to PD, allowing them to delay paying their rent, taking robert wong under his wings etc.

- Enjoy the journey not only the destination because he would stop at a lot of places on our trip from KL to PD, Singapore or Penang for a meal so that we knew the delicacies of the place

I did not have an easy time with my Mother and my Father probably saved my life in more ways than he can imagine.

My story of My Father is so long, and in this short synopsis, I hope you would find the qualities with which you too can have your Children and their children remember you.




What do you think of your lives? Are you making an impact on others? Or are you just no one... in life we can either be someone or no one...

I hope I become someone....

Drifting into the past...

Sometimes don’t we ever feel that we are drifting into yesterday’s news and that suddenly you are not who you seem or think you are anymore? It kinda hit me again today. Woke up and came online. I found some old friend’s flicker and blogs. It hit me because things seem to be a quiet day and things are going slowly. My feelings now are like rain clouds, when you are here and ready to rain, people talk about you, people think about you, people are worried about you, people are ready for you… but after a while, after your rain has fallen, you suddenly become waste. You flow into the drains of the street never to be seen or noticed again.

Perth - the happiest time of my life, from a stranger to a family member back to a stranger. It hits me sometimes, when I look at friends’ photos, you don’t see your photo in them no more. You fade into the past as waters fall into drains. Quietly but surely you flow away, never to be seen again. Friends and families that you build so carefully seems to just fade into the last page.

The Boys’ Brigade – my passion, my ministry. It gave me the identity that I have been searching for so long. It inspired me to be who I am today, not perfect but changing slowly. It has thought me much, so so much. You are their closest friend, best buddy, older brother or in some cases daddy! Haha! It sounds funny sometimes when I think about it, how nick names like daddy, uncle or old come about. But soon these kids will grow up, from hating the opposite sex to finding their first love, their first break up, first temptation, first heart break, first disappointment… well you know the story. But suddenly they realize that they are now in their college years, high school issues do not seem to be important anymore. The cycle is repeated every year, a new bunch arrive, naïve and innocent, and another leaves with experience and ready for the world’s challenges. It is then that it suddenly hits you, you’re not needed anymore! No use, not important, old… your page in their lives has past and completed, now they venture into a new page, with new people contributing to it.

You fade, slowly and surely into “yesterday”… tears sometimes fall in my heart, I think most parents would feel this as their kids grow up! Sigh… another sign that I’m getting older…
But then we fail to notice that after the rain, flowers bloom, trees are nurtured, the streets are cleaner, the air is fresher, the weather is cooler… the rain fades away and runs a rainbow over the sky… Wow isn’t that something great?? How God brought you to the place and used you to make an impact and then taken to away to another place, another time, another tree to impact. Well that’s life I guess, we learn to move on and rain on other places for other people. God will always move us away from our comfort zones because He does not want us to stay stagnant and become lazy… lazy to do His work…

Our lives are constantly being filled with new challenges, smiles, worries and changes. Most of us are reluctant to change, I know I am! From the beginning of this blog post, I was sad, but by now I feel inspired… inspired to strive on for more and curiosity of where God will bring me next. Its such a fun thing to wait in Him who has our lives planned. I wonder what does He have installed for me, can’t wait!

If He is for us who can be against us! Oh God! Just hope I did today good…



Fading into the pages…
Lieutenant Timothy Chan
Boys’ Brigade 2nd Subang Jaya Company

Writing 2007

Wow time flies like a blink of an eye and we are looking at the end (or rather the beginning of 2008) already. What have we achieved this year? What did we fall short off? What did we make use off? Maybe what we have experienced…

Been trying to blog about things, but somehow, nothing came out. Blank screen, blank mind. Lets see what have I been up to for the past year. I was wondering and praying hard to God for a new job. I sent out almost 50 resumes and applications, none replied. If memory serves me right I think I only got one reply and one interview. I was really hopping that one of the colleges would return my call. I was looking at lecturing or teaching. None did… But from the help of my aunt, I finally got a new job.

The first few months on the job were at a blur, don’t think I really did anything as the field was so new for me. For those of you who dint know I worked for an advertising agency as an Account Executive (NO not real accounts its client servicing). I really learned a lot and my contacts grew tremendously, printers, suppliers, builders, designers, media, etc. I worked from 1st January till about September. Work got a little bored after a while as the company I worked for went through some hard time in terms of business. I had a promise that I would at least work till end of the year (because it was really stale and boring to go to work everyday and have nothing to work on.

I looked to God to provide me with the direction that I painstakingly needed. Advertising – my dream field, I have studies and inspired to work in turned out to be not what I sincerely wanted my life to be. The hours at the office is good, don’t get me wrong, I am not a lazy person. But it’s the backstabbing, lies, and plain unfair competition that really got me. Maybe I am naive, but I do not want to come to a point were I have lost even my simple conscience. In the short time in the field, I saw educated people act like spoilt kids, bad mannered and plain childish. Sometimes I feel that they give a bad name to the “educated”. But hey that’s my two cents.

In one warm August morning (Malaysia is always warm). I got a call from one of the local university. They had an opening for a lecturing job! I want for 4 interviews and finally they accepted me! Wow! I thought to myself, how great is God, I was worried on where would I go if I left my company and He “took” me by hand to this new place. My future (at least for now) is secured. I am enjoying my job tremendously. So yeah I am working now as a LECTURER!!!

That’s all for work for now, next 2007 brought me back to the lessons that God had thought me throughout the years. Relying in Him in all that I do, why? He got me a dream job for starters! Now I am faced with a more complicated situation. As you should know that I am involved with The Boys’ Brigade Ministry and I am attached to 2nd Subang Jaya Company (BB2SJ). Few of my leaders have begun to question their efforts and their role in the ministry. It was truly a hard time for them. They had to carry their burden and also the company’s burden. Sometimes I wonder how they are doing now, spiritually, mentally and physically. I can’t imagine myself in their situation, with family, work, studies, church, friends, and BB, they really do not have anytime to spend alone or just chill.

I think the act of merely taking for granted the people around us is something that most of us do. Nagging of parents, friends, teachers, bosses etc. its like we expect them to be there no matter what until they are gone, we regret. As leaders, we accept the fact that what ever we do, they will hate us and what we are doing is for their own good. We also accept the fact that almost none will say thank you. But the small fantasy of someone walking up to you when you’re old saying thank you for investing in my life drives me on. I see how much burden the world can put upon the youth today, peer pressure to be cool, studies, relationships, friends, class politics, church politics, family problems, finances, the list goes on. The youth today is no more naïve, innocent, cheerful and in peace. The world is slowly robbing their “youth” from them, working them to enter the world of reality earlier and earlier.

That’s 2007 for me. It has been an eventful year for me, had some hard aches, falls, smiles, lessons and peace. But the Christmas play at The Acts Church (my home church). Thought me this:

“We can’t control what God places upon our lives, but we have the control over how we go through them”

“What man intended for evil, God intended for good”

God will place some stones, waves or even holes in our path, but how we get through them is our choice. When we see others placing evil upon our lives, in God’s plan it is good. As we seek God more, we see His plan more. What we can’t see does not mean its not there. Life will always bring upon to you challenges after challenges, and at times you feel like giving up, remember its not in God’s nature to temp or be evil, it’s Man that is temps and is evil.

If He is for us, who can be against us?

Be Sure Be Stedfast
Lieutenant Timothy Chan
BB2SJ

Crushed and Shattered

Sometimes I wonder how would like be if I was to have had another life. Recently, or rather yesterday I saw a perfect life shatter and crushed into millions of pieces in a single second. How could this happen you might ask?

Simple...... a lie, an action, a decision, a word, a feeling, a temptation or maybe a thought. Sometimes we never thought our actions could be hurting to others, but sadly... everything has its consequences. We all know the story of Humpty Dumpty.

Sitting on the wall, tell us the story that in life we walk in a very narrow road, if we are not careful, we will fall off it. If you're lucky, you will end up on gardens of grass or flowers, breaking your fall. However, in life there is not always flowers, sometimes rock and hard ground would test the hardness that we have within us.

I saw a fall yesterday, I do not know how bad the fall is for Mr Humpty Dumpty. All the King's knights and men (friends) came rushing to him. At this point, they are merely in the beginning of putting him back together. Success? Failure? No one knows for sure...

I tried, I really tried to hold up Mr Humpty Dumpty, but I just could not hold him up. In the end, even the knight had to fall and break. Sleepless nights, lost of hope and shattering of what ever foundations I have left.

How could this be? How could a knight fail and shatter like that? Maybe he is not worth being called "Sir" maybe he should be brought down to a mere slave... A slave of circumstances...

Are we Knights or Slaves?
Are we Sure or Uncertain?
Are we Stedfast or Shattered?

You Decide...

Lieutenant Timothy Chan or Unnamed Slave?
Boys' Brigade 2nd Subang Jaya

Caution or Conscience

This is a dilemma that I have been thinking about for the whole night. Here is a story…

My friend was travelling home on Sunday night and a man was lying in the middle of the road with a motorbike by his side. It seemed that he had an accident and he is injured. My friend stepped down from his car to see if he could help. As he was walking towards the man on the ground, he suddenly jumped up.

My friend then ran towards his car, it was then when a whole group of bikers suddenly came from behind. They pushed him into the car and held a knife to him. Two of the men went up the car with him and asked him to drive. They took him through a wild goose chase around Kuala Lumpur. From Dataran Merdeka to Sungai Wang then finally to Chow Kit. During the entire journey one was busy searching his car upside down. They finally stopped in a wide field and asked my friend to get out. They drive off with his car.

Then one guy came and told my friend that if wanted his hand phone back, he was to get another RM300 to him to exchange it. After walking around aimlessly, he managed to call his girlfriend and later more friends. (tried to call me but I was zzzzzz……) With my friend still somewhere around Chow Kit and Pudu, his girl friend went looking for him, while the others want to Brickfields Police Station to report. To everyone’s amazement, the police asked them to go over to Dangwangi as it was under their jurisdiction. Even after my friends told them “Bang, Kawan saya di tahan oleh orang!!” Can you believe it?

As time was at the essence, they went straight to Pudu and finally found my friend. Its definitely God’s hand of protection upon him. He was totally unharmed. The climax of the story does not end there! They then went back to the open field and sure enough the guy was still there waiting for the RM300 for the phone. He exchanged it and asked them to leave while giving him the car keys as well.

After a sincerely long drive around, they found his car intact and unharmed. After collecting the car they went home. Total loss: RM400 in wallet and additional RM300 for the phone.

End of story.

Now when I heard this last night it gave me chills to the bone. I was thinking that that person could have been me, holding a first aid kit, coming down from my car. After this incident, will I still lend a hand? What if its false? What if its real? Where do we stand as first aid personnel?

After a long nights considerations, I have come to a conclusion, this conclusion is mine and mine alone, you should make your own conclusion from this incident. I will still stop if I saw a situation like this. I would rather risk losing my personal possessions than losing a life. I believe that God’s hand will be upon me as I carry out my duties. Of course I would be cautious of my surroundings before stopping!!! (what you think I am crazy?!?!?!) Anyways, please do put your own safety a a primary objective. Remember the first rule of First Aid, make sure you are safe. We are not heroes, no one is, we are merely people in a situation of inflicting change. You decide.

Be Sure Be Stedfast
Lieutenant Timothy Chan
BB2SJ

What Defines Us?

To topic explains it all, when or if you’re asked the question, what would your answer be? What defines you? Simply means what are you made of? Your feelings, character, perceptions, views, family, priorities, religion, relationships, friends, action, school, institution, work, company, car, short… you name it its there.

Now here is the tricky part. If you were to identify one picture that defines you right now what would it be? Your Nike shoes? Your credit cards? Your name? Your car? Think carefully about this and be truthful… Only you will know the answer.

Now after you have the picture in hand/mind, look deeper into the small prints. What is in the background? How was the picture taken? Where was it taken? How was it taken? Who was in it? Got that? Okey, now…

Evaluate the main item… how was it made? When was it made? Were was it made? Where has it been? Immerse yourself into the item and imagine your birth to the final location where the picture was taken… not clear eh? Ok let me explain, if it was a rock, imagine how did you come about, breaking away from the mountain and moved by tractors to lorries and being pilled up, under rain and sun rolled over by cars people, get peed on by animals, kicked around etc etc….

Then now evaluate again your life, your character, your feelings, your experiences, and your relationship with the item… does this item really resemble you? If you and if you have a lil more time, re do this exercise and see if you can truly find you true mirror image…

Have fun and think with your heart…

God Bless!
Lt Timothy Chan
BB2SJ